you have goat to be kidding

Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of going to a goat sanctuary with a friend. This was one of the happiest moments of my life. 

Honestly, a goat’s got it all. Rectangular pupils, an affinity for smiling people, and the ability to walk and jump all over everybody else. And though I might have felt like fainting when I went to the sanctuary, here are some actual fainting goats (not unlike the opossum, they sometimes also faint when they’re excited about food — but like same, am I right?).

What can I say about goats that hasn’t already been said? Not much. So, here’s a collection of goat jokes and puns from the interwebs:

 

What do you call a goat on a mountain?

Hillbilly.

Who did the goats vote for as president?

Billy Clinton.

What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?

Goat Stories!

Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?

Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

What do you call a goat who paints pictures?

Vincent Van Goat.

What do you call an outlaw goat?

Billy the Kid.

What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?

I have no idea how I goat here.

Why are goats from France musical?

Because they have French horns.

(Here is an interlude to show goats likeness to humans, you won’t regret it)

If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?

Something’s goat to give.

Here we goat again.

Ain’t nobody goat time fo’ dat.

Shit just goat serious.

Whatever floats your goat.

FOR GOAT’S SAKE, THAT’S ENOUGH.

 

men are trash

I’m tired and I’m angry. This could be partly due to it being dead week but it sure as shit has absolutely nothing to do with my period. 

Men are trash because Facebook bans all posts containing “men are trash” — marking it as hate speech, while posts that attack womxn, call them cunts, and contain the threat of lynching conveniently fly under the radar. 

Men are trash because their fragile male egos create these double standards and they immediately go on the defensive, derailing conversations about violence against womxn in favor of making sure that everyone knows that #NotAllMen are rapists. 

This is exactly what the All Lives Matter movement does to Black Lives Matter. 

Obviously, all lives matter and obviously, not all men are complete trash.

But people are somehow more worried with the semantics  than of the epidemics happening worldwide. Somehow the male ego is more important than womxn’s safety.

Saying men are trash does not equate to the systematic oppression that the patriarchy possesses. 

I’m tired and angry because masculinity isn’t evolving fast enough. We need to define new gender constructs so that we stop feeding into the toxic masculinity that has been ingrained into society for generations. 

Men are trash because we still teach womxn how not to get raped instead of teaching men how not to rape. 

I don’t want you to man up. I want you to level up. 

And if you hear or see something that isn’t building to a better tomorrow, I want you to speak up. 

The problem isn’t just in the obvious. It’s not just the people that shout out sexist and racial slurs. It’s in the subtle oppression existing everywhere. 

Don’t tell me to smile more or comment on my appearance. You’re opinion on how I present myself does not matter.

Don’t tell me to calm down and ask if I’m on my period.

Or tell me I’m smart/funny/interesting for a womxn. 

Don’t give into that “boys will be boys” bullshit or say that it was just a joke.

Don’t try to explain or “help” a womxn unless she actually asks. 

And don’t expect a “thank you” for showing the baseline respect for someone. 

You want to do better? Here’s a starter list.

“Men who aren’t trash understand the statement men are trash doesn’t apply to them.”

And remember to always speak up for others but never speak over them. 

go home monkey, you’re drunk

What do monkeys and humans have in common? 

We’re all goddamn alcoholics. 

You might think that you were clever when you were younger — drinking your mom’s vodka and filling it back up with water (until it started freezing over and your mama whooped your dumb ass). But our tailed cousins are truly skilled with the art of thievery.

If you’re ever at some beach, boozing it up, be sure to keep an eye on your drink because monkeys will drink that shit up faster than a frat guy shotguns a beer. 

Now, here’s a remix on the classic Monkey See and Monkey Do

Oh when we drink, drink, drink brandy
The monkey drink, drink, drinks our drinks
Monkey see and monkey do
The monkey does the same as you

Oh when we chug, chug, chug and burp
The monkey chug, chug, chugs and slurps
Monkey see and monkey do
The monkey does the same as you

Oh when we drain, drain, drain sake
The monkey drain, drain, drains like we
Monkey see and monkey do
The monkey does the same as you

Oh when we trip, trip, trip and fall
The monkey trip, trip, trips and sprawls
Monkey see and monkey do
The monkey does the same as you

evil seagull

Apart from being gluttonous assholes, seagulls are incredible at aiming their shits. Living in a coastal community, I understand this well. 

So inspired by this quality video and my dolittle abilities, here is my translation of a pair of seagulls before being shat upon

seagull: hey hey HEY hey HEYYYYY

me: *eats slice of pizza at beach

seagull: HEY MUDDER FURDER 

me: could you not shout, sir

seagull: can I HAZ SOM? YU GOT ENY ONYON RENGSSS?

me: this is pizza and it is mine

seagull: GIV ME SOM TARDERTOOTS YU STURPID PERDERDER

*another seagull flies up

seagull2: HEEEYYYYY YU GOT DA SPOGOOTER?

seagull1: YAA DA SPOOOGOOOOOTTER!

me: I am going to have to respectfully ask you to be quiet

seagull2: DIS ARR BEEACH YU FURDIN BICH GIV DA AISE KROM

me: *finishes pizza and walks to car

seagull1: NOT SO FERST MUDDER FERDER

*flies around and shits, hitting the entirety of my right sleeve

*both seagulls cackle

me: *gets into car and cries for a bit

You’ll have to forgive me that I find few redeeming qualities in a seagull. Maybe I’m jealous that I can’t shit on people I dislike. Every trash animal’s a dick at some point in their lives. 

awesome opossum

Every trash animal at some point has gotten so stressed that they flop over and stare blankly for hours on end. Don’t deny it. 

Just be grateful that most of you don’t also secrete a putrid odor from your anus when you do get stressed out. 

But I’m sure as shit not about to bash on opossums. There’s a reason that awesome and opossum rhyme.

So, here is my ode to opossums… 

Some might think you smell like shit,
But you just do as the dead do-do. 
And as you rid the world of Lyme disease,
Your rat-like tail is the only thing they see.

Some might say you’re a cat’s ugly cousin,
But I think you’re just as cute as a button. 
Some might see a snake and scream,
But you just chow down like a machine.

They might all just be jealous,
That they don’t have a fancy fifth appendage.
Yet somehow there’s only a select few people,
That are in awe of North America’s only marsupial.

You better hop on this bandwagon before it leaves the station.

murder of crows ain’t scared of no CAWps

Humans and crows aren’t that different. They both eat a lot of trash and hold grudges. But seriously, don’t fuck with crows. They will tell their friends and you’ll spend the rest of your life ducking their dive bombs as they trash talk about how much of a dick you are. 

Here is a short collection of punny crows pulled from the internet:

Did you hear about the crows that attacked that one lady? It was a murder.

Yeah, we have already figured out her favorite weapon is a crowbar

I hope you keel over and Cro-ak

It’s only a murder of crows… if there’s probably caws.

What do you call 2 crows in a tree? An attempted murder.

 

In case you don’t have enough reasons to love crows — here’s more incentive 

 

dingo ate my baby

You might be asking yourself – how is a dingo a trash animal? Well, let me tell you–  the most trash thing to eat is a human bean.

And if you don’t have reason enough to avoid Australia, I hope this post will help.

 

If you ever hear a yodel
In the deep Australian outback,
You can be sure as shit that’s not a Swiss
With clogs and some Lederhosen.

You better hold your baby tight,
Lest you be blamed for murder.
A dingo might just climb into your tent
And have your baby for dinner.

 

So, next time you’re planning a vaca, go to the Canada of Australia instead.

who’s the real jerk o’ lantern?

It’s the day after Halloween and I’ve been stuffing myself with trash and discount candy. Some neighbors, however, have been stuffing themselves with something that I would only ever eat in pie form.

Pumpkins.

My roommate’s pumpkin, which once had an evil toothy grin, now appears to be a geriatric man that puts every meal through a blender (whom I’ve named Gerald). The rapid aging has but one culprit. Or probably more like a dozen as raccoons seem to travel in hordes. 

Mind Your Head

Masks do nothing to hide the glowing eyes
From trash bins and gutters,
Though don’t mistake them for Pennywise.

Their plots and deeds rival that of Trump and Bundy,
For if you cross their path
You will end up tattered and bloodied.

And if you don’t believe me,
Then I’d tell you – Go ask Gerald.
But alas, he’s six feet under
With his head and tongue both severed.

This is the closest I could find to a mugshot of the criminals. Beware. Your head could be next.

In loving memory of Gerald and a reminder to always stay fearful of the next attack.

all trash animals welcome

Everyone reading this is a trash animal. There is no denying that. And no shame to it. Sustaining oneself off of other people’s trash has been happening since before lesbians came out of Lesbos (gotta love Sappho). 

Since the beginning of history there have been animals scavenging off others hard work. Some might call it free-loading or parasitic. Others might call it art. But no matter what you call it, trash animals have always been a part of ecology. 

So, dearest trash animals — get ready to buckle down on a journey through the lives of our fellow composters. 

 

And if you want some nightmare fuel, here’s the sound of raccoons at night. If you’re oot-and-aboot and hear those chittering trash pandas, you’d best be going back the way you came because they will fuck you up.